Friday, July 17, 2009

Leave No Man Behind

This morning I was reminded of some solid life-advice I was given many years ago. You see, I used to work as a college intern at a big corporation. I was very wet behind the ears, as they say, and I pretty much stank at everything they ever assigned me.

On my last day, this older guy took me aside. He used to be an Army Ranger, and he could be crude at times, but he had a big heart and he sort of watched out for me, if you know what I mean. He said, “Bissage, no matter how bad things might get for you out there in the real world, always make sure to keep your O-ring squeaky clean.”

What he said made perfect sense to me (maybe you had to be there) and I’ve always done my level best to do precisely that. Which is why, this morning, I had a problem.

You see, I was sitting on the hopper and I was doing the paper work. There was more of the enemy than usual and there were some unanticipated pockets of resistance. I had to send in reinforcements. Several flushes and many fistfuls of music roll later, I opened up wide for the final mopping up operation when it happened; my bear trap snapped shut and it clamped down on a wad of toilet paper. After the follow-through, not all of it made it into the water.

Well, I couldn’t just leave it stuck in there! I went into that hairy jungle thicket with thumb and forefinger and extracted that asset. And what a success it was! Visual inspection revealed that there was not even so much as a speck of brown, although my fingers smelled slightly like poop, afterwards.

And I sat there reflecting upon those words of wisdom from so many years ago.

Fucking A.


Meade said...

1. *reads titus's latest daily duty report*

2. *chuckles guiltily*

3. *comes across this blog post*

4. *slaps forehead realizing I should've had a Suddenly BISSAGE!*

Yahoo! Answers
Resolved QuestionShow me another »
What does the expression "I should've had a Suddenly BISSAGE!" mean?
2 years ago
Report Abuse

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

Suddenly BISSAGE! is a healthy juice blog post made from vegetables and spices. It is better for you than reading other blog posts. So when they say, "I should've had a Suddenly BISSAGE!" they're angry at themselves for not choosing a healthy and tasty juice drink blog post.

Bissage said...

Meade, thank you so much for your comments of the clevarrrr.

You sir, are a gentleman and a scholar of the first order.

And far, far too kind to a lowly and hideously deformed Elephant Man, such as myself.

Meade said...

John Merrick Bissage: There's something I've been meaning to ask you for some time now.
Dr. Meade: What's that?
John Merrick Bissage: Can you cure me?
Dr. Meade: No. We can care for you, but we can't cure you.
John Merrick Bissage: [matter-of-factly] No. I thought not.

Bissage said...

Well put, Dr. Meade, well put.

This is why I would like my tombstone to read, as follows: "He did the best he could with what he had."

I'm not so sure I'm deserving of that.

But it is truly said that hope is a poor supper that makes a fine breakfast.


Anonymous said...

Genial brief and this enter helped me alot in my college assignement. Thanks you for your information.