Sunday, August 09, 2009

So Much for My Ambition

Recently inspired by the great Althouse, I resolved to do more with this blog. And I found myself wanting to see if I could post a photograph I took all by my little old self.

Fine, so far, but where to begin? Well, I saw this post and I thought it might be funny to take a photo of the kidney stones I've been keeping in a Tupperware container in my desk drawer.

So I got out my camera and I pushed the button for the macro function.

And it broke.See what I mean?

Bissage . . . the Charlie Brown of the internet.



NKVD said...


garage mahal said...

“I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.”

-Stephen Wright

Chip Ahoy said...

This is a good thing. Now you have the perfect excuse, I mean reason, to buy a new camera.

Jason (the commenter) said...

Those must be some ugly kidney stones.

Kev said...

That may not have worked out like you planned, but I kinda like the result...

Synova said...

Oh, no!

David said...

Best Coasters song ever, so buck up Charlie Brown.

Meade said...

1.) Ha!

2.) Ha Ha!!

3.) Ha Ha Ha!!!


Daryl said...

Put it through photoshop's paint brush filter and then blow it up and print it on a big canvas.

Then you can sell it as "modern art."

Methadras said...

That's really cool in a completely sucky way.

Joan said...

Was it a Canon Powershot? I ask because I had one, which produced effects like this when it died.

I'm with Chip... time for a new camera!

AJ Lynch said...

You Da Man Bissage!

knox said...

We won't forget about those stones. Replace that camera and put 'em up here.

JAL said...

I am so laughing, Bissage.

Still laughing.

You brightened my day.

jeff said...

Perhaps those are haunted Kidney Stones. You may have discovered an entirely new industry. Photographing the aura of someone's kidney stones. You could even leave them in their kidneys. I think you are on to something here.

Bissage said...

Man, you guys are TOO MUCH!1!!!!!!!1!!!!

I am simply overwhelmed.

NKVD, the loss of the camera hurt more than the stones. Okay, that was a lie. I went to the ER for the first one. It happened in the evening after I helped some friends move out of their apartment and I thought I’d ruptured my spleen or something. On the plus side, two urology residents told me I should consume plentiful quantities of beer on a regular basis. My response? “Consider it done.”

[G]arage, lol. I was a janitor at a department store and used that technique to write a couple of stage plays. Anyway, I kept the floors looking pretty good so that’s something.

Chip, that’s great advice. I’ll go for it on your say so, alone. How’s that for a sincere compliment!!!

Jason, lol and I’ve broken a few mirrors, myself. But seriously, I can’t complain. There’s much worse out there. Still, I’ll try to post a photo of the two I have. Why not?

Kev, you’re right! You should have been there to see my smile turn upside down. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear I heard the camera make that “Game Over” sound. And yeah, I kind of like the result, too.

Synova, I couldn’t agree more. It was like this.

David, it’s funny you should say that. I’ve been recently giving thought to taking my clown suit to the tailor’s to have it let out a bit. No picking!

Meade, . . . . . . . . heh.

Daryl, I lack the skills, but upon your encouragement, I’m going to print it out to 8 x 10 and hang it on the wall. In a WalMart picture frame! I’ve got about five in a drawer somewhere ready to hang. Time to get busy!

Methadras, I’ve long admired your avatar, and coming from a man of your . . . um . . . special . . . talents, that’s a nice compliment. You will never hear me say “bite me.” BTW, speaking of cool, what’s your body temperature? I’m guessing it’s not 98.6.

Right you are, Joan! It is a Canon PowerShot S400. It has 4.0 Mega Pixels which I think is what they’re putting in electric toothbrushes these days. Per Chip’s recommendation, I’m going with the Nikon . . . and Momma, don’t take my Kodachrome away.

AJ, I’m sending that one right back at’cha! Go Phils and Mrs. Bissage tells me she’s the one who deserves credit for inventing the nickname “Shane Ejectorino.” Ha!

[K]nox, I’m going to try to do that. But please bear in mind, I lack mad skillz. As my way of saying I’m sorry, in advance, you can listen to THIS. Nice trippy stereo effect, really, but I think sometimes I’d really rather have those brain cells back. And what the heck is a “Lawdy Child,” anyway? On second thought, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. Ha!

JAL, good! As your comment did for me. I know it’s cornball to say it, but it’s still true: Laughter is the best medicine.

[J]eff, when I went to the ER, they pumped me full of this radioactive battery acid so the stone would show up on the X-ray. The radio-tech said, “You’ll feel some discomfort.” Then she squeezed that trigger and I thought my face was going to explode and I was completely paralyzed. The sensation lasted long enough for me to think to myself, “If this place catches fire, I’m a dead man.”

When the urologist showed me the films it looked like the kind of nighttime sky you can see only from a mountain top. He pointed and he said, “You see those light-colored dots? Every one of them is a kidney stone waiting to happen.” Then he smiled an evil smile and he disappeared down the hallway with four younger doctors following in his slipstream. And yet I felt grateful for his attention. Go figure.

JAL said...

You are still making me laugh, B.

But if HopeyChangey gets his way, you'll just take a pill, instead of having to have your face explode.

Blue? Or Red?

Methadras said...

So I got out my camera and I pushed the button for the macro function.

I'm surprised no one has said it yet, but THAT'S NOT A MACRO!!!

NKVD said...

I had a kidney stone. Hurt like a sumbitch. I was in such pain that I crawled around on the floor in the ER - I knew that I was a dead man, so what was a little MRSA on top of that.

Anyway, they gave me morphine - mmm, morphine. I went home, the thing bothered me off and on for a couple of months, then a coworker, a woman from Ireland, told me that her uncle who had had a kidney stone was told to drink until the stone was dislodged. But he didn't drink beer so he drank tea. I did the same - mixed up a couple of gallons of tea, kept drinkin', next thing you know - clunk.

I lost my kidney stone in my divorce.

Triangle Man said...

I'm expecting big things from you with this blog now Bissage. Big things. Can't wait.

Bissage said...

JAL, on the subject of government pills, have you seen “Soylent Green (1973)”? It has become the butt of jokes, lately, sort of like the cinematic equivalent of New Jersey, but I rented it about a year ago and it’s a very good movie. Anyway, there is this very disquieting scene where Edward G. Robinson goes to a government clinic. I commend it to your attention.

Methadras, are you trying to tell me . . . tell me . . . ZOMG!!1!!!! . . . The Call Is Coming From Inside The House!!!!1!! . . . GET OUT!!!!!!!!

NKVD, I’ve never had it, myself, but they tell me that morphine is amazing stuff. Maybe the ER gave you a little extra to apologize for the housekeeping staff.

I met a pharmacist. He was both sympathetic and nonchalant, at the same time. He said, “Oh sure, I get kidney stones all the time. Whenever I feel one coming on, I go down to the basement, drink a beer, and jump up and down until it passes.” Now there’s a man who knows how to take care of business!

And I’m sorry about your divorce but, hey, I lost my heart in San Francisco.

Triangle Man, first, I’ve always loved that name. TMBG, right? Second, in all seriousness, don’t get your hopes up. I’m a real work-a-day lawyer and my creative muse is a fair weather friend, at best. I admit I’m sort of proud sometimes of some of my stuff (I’m also a frustrated playwright and a frustrated cartoonist, BTW) but I absolutely lack the talent to produce anything (except total crap) on a regular basis.

What Althouse does on a regular basis is truly astounding, IMHO. The scope of her coverage is the broadest I know and there’s a lot of subtlety, as well. I stand in awe.

Richard Lawrence Cohen said...

Maybe that's what stones look like when you're seeing them through the pain.

Thanks for the link!

Triangle Man said...

I think Particle Man was taken.

Your stuff is good. Even if you think it's crap, post it. Many will like it, some will ignore it, and even if you get hecklers, they will provide material to work with.

[Insert apt motivational quote here]

AJ Lynch said...

"Shane Ejecterino". LOL.

But the truth is now known, you get all your best material from Mrs. Bissage.


sonicfrog said...

Hmmmm. Are you sure you didn't hit the spectrograph button instead?

Bissage said...

Oh, my stars! I feel like the prettiest boy at the dance!

RLC, you’re very welcome and I’m guessing that photo might be what a kidney stone looks like through morphine-colored glasses. Seems kind of peaceful to me, but then, I like jock itch.

Cool, Triangle Man. My favorite motivational quote comes from Mike Ditka: You can’t fail until you stop trying. That’s total bull, of course, but I like it, anyway.

AJ, you know it is perfectly obvious that Mrs. Bissage has a sense of humor. Why else would she put up with me?

[S]onicfrog, yeah, I think you’re on to something. I think the spectrometer got mixed up somehow with the imaging system. Cross-mojo-ination or something. However, when I push the macro button it makes this whirring/jamming kind of sound. Also, I can hear something loose rattling around in the lens assembly. Funny thing is, the camera is back to working again.

RIPPER: Did they torture you?

MANDRAKE: Ah, yes, they did. I was tortured by the Japanese, Jack, if you must know. Not a pretty story.

RIPPER: Well what happened?

MANDRAKE: Oh ... well ... I don't know, Jack. Difficult to think of under these conditions. But, well, what happened was they got me on the old Rangoon HNRR railway. I was laying train mines for the bloody Japanese puff puffs.

RIPPER: No, I mean when they tortured you, did you talk?

MANDRAKE: Ah, oh no, I ah ... I don't think they wanted me to talk, really. I don't think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of having ... a bit of fun, the swines. Strange thing is they make such bloody good cameras.


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