Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy

Lately, my rectum-fruit have become black, like sidewalk tar in summer, which is a development I’ve attributed largely to the recent up-tick in my morning input of horse-grade oatmeal. People, we’re talking 5 to 7 mini-loads a day; high pressure extrusion process.

Truly immense quantities of nylon reinforced, industrial strength toilet paper and Comet® are now required to scour my balloon knot. And, from time to time, I’ve felt the urge to simply be done with it all and use the hand-held shower sprayer to administer the mother of all enemas. First, I’ll need to check my insurance.

On the plus side, my thoracic blood pump feels heart-smarter than ever and I can whistle “Yankee Doodle” using nothing but a fully loaded bladder and my prostate, which has become oddly prehensile in recent days. Mrs. Bissage now calls me fife dick.

All I need is an old guy and a young guy to play drums and I can take my show on the road. I already have a sucking head wound.

P.S. That guy in the lower right-hand corner wants to know if we take requests. The answer to that would be “Nope, not even for James Cagney.”


Triangle Man said...

Google says you should see a doctor about that.

Bissage said...

Oddly enough, a new health concern seems to have reared its ugly head just 30 minutes ago.

I'll do a post about it, eventually.

Triangle Man said...

Hope everything is OK. If you see the doc, say that some pseudonymous guy from the Internet said that Google thought you should get checked out. Try to post a picture of the doc's reaction.

Meade said...

Pronunciation Guide

anus (AY-nuhss)

barium enema (BA-ree-uhm) (EN-uh-muh)

benign (bee-NYN)

colonoscopy (KOH-lon-OSS-kuh-pee)

Bissage said...

We are hale and hearty.

I’m going to have to keep that “new health concern” mentioned at 12:06 to myself to preserve the dignity of a certain third-party.

There you have it!