Lucky There's a Family Guy

Teenage daughter Meg Griffin is about to go on a date with Michael, the nice boy she met at the hospital. Mother Lois Griffin is fine with the situation but father Peter Griffin has become overprotective. He is convinced that the boy is a “possible rapist” or perhaps he is actually “two dwarves in an overcoat wanting to see what sex is like with a big person.”

Peter states his position: “Guys that age all they care about is putting their thing in everything. I’m not gonna let Meg turn out like my Nerf football in the hall closet.” But Lois prevails upon Peter to sit down with Michael and get to know him by having a little chat.

PETER: So, you are here to take out my daughter. What are your intentions?

MICHAEL: I just think Meg is really cool and I just want to get to know her better.

PETER: You know, Michael, my daughter’s womb is not a wildfire for you to douse with your adolescent seed. Neither is her lower back or her hair.

MICHAEL: I understand.

PETER: Do you, Michael? Do you? We’ll see. Let me ask you a question. You ever sit on your arm until it falls asleep and then play with yourself and pretend like somebody else is doing it?

MICHAEL: Honestly? Yes.

PETER: [offering a congratulatory handshake] Not anymore you don’t cause you’re going out with my daughter!

-- “Peter’s Daughter” (2007)