Friday, October 09, 2009

For Science!!!

I have been conducting a scientific survey, so please let me begin this blog post with some actual survey responses from some actual survey respondents:

(1) “You idiot! You’ve really gone and done it this time.”
-- Mrs. Bissage

(2) “What the hell is wrong with you? Get that thing away from me!”
-- One of the women in Mrs. Bissage’s book club

(3) “Pull up your pants right now, you freak, or I swear to God I’ll call the cops!”
-- Some lady in a parking lot trying to put groceries in her car

Yes, my internet friends, as you have already surely surmised, I have been field-testing the results of my homemade penis ointment. Those 100% accurate quotes, set out above, prove beyond all reasonable doubt that I am well on my way to a Nobel Prize® in Chemistry.

You will all be pleased to hear that my dong has grown a full four inches in length (as well as four inches in girth!), and that it is now a frightening mottle of pink, white, greenish-blue and red. There are barbed spines as well as an array of bony, scale-like plates.

There has been some cracking and bleeding, and I wish I could get the thing to go back down so I can pee, but hey, who needs to consume liquids, anyway? And besides, the tailor has already altered all my business suits.

What matters most is that I am in proud possession of what is, incontestably, one of the world's great, supernaturally impressive, rock hard boners!

And that's what I call WINNING!!!1!!!1!!

Here’s some background, in case you think I am just making all this up.

Nobel prize committee, here we come!


AJ Lynch said...

You are one of the funniest guys on the world wide internets!

wv = what no word verification?

Penny said...

You never fail to make me laugh. lol By ALL means, be totally obsessive about that. And when you get really really good at it, I will become a rabid fan instead of an avid fan. I would even change my nick to "Stalker", if you like. :D

Meade said...

And no one noticed its severe bentness? Bentocity? Bentification?

That really IS impressive!

Bissage said...

AJ, you are too kind! And nope, no word verification. Don’t need it. For some strange reason, the robo-spammers don’t want their male enhancement products associated with my blog. Go figure.

Penny, it makes me happy to know that you’re happy. And you are more than welcome to be my stalker. All I ask is that you wear a carnation – so I’ll know you!

Meade, it’s funny you mention that. “Teh BEEST” (as we’re thinking of calling it) really is starting to bend. I’m applying extra glop on the short side hoping it will straighten out. If that doesn’t work, maybe I’ll make a notch cut on the long side and try to sew it all back together. Wish me luck!