Sunday, November 29, 2009


It has been recently observed that the internet interjection “heeeee” is gaining currency.

This must end. Fully grown adults do not laugh by saying “heeeee.” The most that can be said for this sound is that it is the noise a tiny infant makes upon seeing a puppy. Copious amounts of spit and dribble accompany the flow of air used to produce this sound. It is a squeal. Grown-ups do not squeal. They laugh. A laugh is the sound of delight made by humans with a fully-functioning brain who do not crap themselves.

It has been suggested that “heeeee” is a variant form of “tee hee.” If this were so, then any ordinarily intelligent person would, in fact, actually say “tee hee.” It is easy to do. But do not, under any circumstances, ever actually say “tee hee.” It is not permitted.

There is an exception to this general rule. You are permitted to say “tee hee” if you are a girl character in a comic book produced during the 1950s, or perhaps the 1960s so long as you are destined to become a square. Examples would be Lucy, Violet or Sally; maybe Marcy, but never Peppermint Patty. Both Veronica and Betty said “tee hee” so read into that what you will.

Let it be known henceforth that acceptable forms of internet laughter or similar expressions of internet delight are to be substantially as follows: LOL, LMAO, ROFL, Heh, Hah, and Ha. Exclamation points are within the exercise of sound discretion and preference should be given to punctuation that is, in and of itself, comical as self-mocking. The cat-eating, furry space alien named Alf sucked ben-wah balls but at least he was good for something.



Triangle Man said...

Quite correct! The unmodified "heeee" exists not in nature. Much like the musical tritone, it is a dissonance that compells one to find a resuloution. As a matter of course, the civilized mind will settle upon "haw" as the countrrpoint to quench the searing discomfort invoked by "heeee".

And what of woot? Not in the Internet meme sense, but rather in the sense that it is uttered IRL. How can men debase themselves so? Woot preceded the Interwebtubes by a fair margin.

Bissage said...

Triangle Man, we are foot soldiers in the war against internet slobbery.

It is difficult work, but somebody has to do it.

And the world will be better for this, that two men, scorned and covered with scars, still strove with their last ounce of courage to reach the unreachable star.